After slamming my bedroom door shut, I dive on the bed, and bury my head in the pillows, hugging the teddy bear from my father close to my chest while trying to block out the screaming going on downstairs.
“Why would you think it’s ok to take your little sister to that party?” Mom yells.
“Mom, nothing happened.” My sister’s words sound slightly slurred.
“That’s not the point. You’re older, you know better than this, and instead of looking after her you got drunk and left her to fend for herself.”
“So, I’m not supposed to have fun because I have to look out for her?”
“You’re supposed to take some responsibility and look out for your sister”
Pushing my head deeper into my pillows so I can’t hear them anymore, I wish I could take back telling mom where I was because I know my sister will turn this around on me. It’s always the way. Suddenly, my door flies open. Ashley, my sister, is standing in the doorway with a pissed off look on her face.
“This is all your fault. If you had kept your mouth shut, none of this would have happened.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t think mom would have been home from work.”
“You’re the reason everything has turned to shit. You’re the reason daddy left and now mom says we have to move back to Newcastle. You’re the reason I won’t be able to see my boyfriend anymore. When are you going to stop being mommy’s little girl and grow the fuck up?”
She rushes at me and I cower. She grabs me roughly, digging her nails into my arms. I cry out as I feel her nails break the skin
“My friends are right about you, you’re pathetic and ugly. No wonder you have no friends.”
“That’s not true I have, Brooklyn.” I defend myself in a weak voice.
“She won’t be your friend when she finally wises up and sees how pathetic you really are.”
I gaze through tear-filled eyes into the eyes of my sister, not recognizing who she is anymore. Ever since daddy left, she has been different. I use to look up to her and wanted to be just like her when I got older. With her beautiful blonde hair and tanned skin, size 8 figure. She’s perfect. Me? I have fiery red hair, pale skin and curves.
Her words hurt every bit as much as the things she does to me. I feel like I owe her, not being the good sister she deserved. I’m not clever like Ashley either. I do okay in school, but I’m not the smartest person. I don’t have a lot of friends. I have Brooklyn and when we don’t have school we’re constantly together. I’m not sure how I’ll cope if we move away from here.
I run my finger over the recent cut on my wrist hidden under my watch, Ashley looks down and notices what I’m doing.
“Why don’t you save us all the trouble and do it already, I’m sick of hearing you cry every night. You’re broken and that will never change.”
She pushes me back onto the bed and I watch through tear-filled eyes as she leaves my bedroom. I wait until I hear the door shut before I crawl under the covers, pull my diary out, and let the worthlessness I feel out.
Why did I open my mouth, why do I ruin everything I touch?
It’s all my fault. If only I was a better sister, maybe then Ashley would like me.
No wonder daddy left. I’m so pathetic.
I vow from this moment on, the only person I will trust is Brooklyn until she realizes I’m not worth the trouble and she walks away too.
I will build a wall around myself, one brick at a time, and keep pushing forward.
I will try to be stronger than the blade I hold in my hand.
I hate myself.